24 weeks

Look at me 2 posts in one month!

So we had to have another sonogram done at 24 weeks to check to see if my placenta had moved up away from my cervix. Oh, I didn’t mention that on the 20 week post, did I?  I’m sorry. So apparently the placenta decided to attach a little low so it was about 2 cm from my cervix. Not too too big of a deal since the thought was that it would move up within the month as my uterus grew. It did. YAY!! And hey, we got a bonus sonogram that we might not have normally gotten. We were excited!

Then we had the regular appointment with my doctor and got a surprise… not a good kind either.  According to her they saw something at the 20 wk sono and just wanted to keep an eye on it and look at my 24 wk sono to see if it went away. It had not. What was it? Well I would have to go to a perinatologist for a definitive answer. My doctor said they were concerned it was an amniotic band but it didn’t seem to bother the baby. He wasn’t near it, nor was his growth being affected. Because of those reasons she thought it could be some sort of pocket of fluid that looked to be above the placenta area instead.  However, she wanted me to see the perinatologist to make sure it wasn’t an amniotic band which could be bad.

I didn’t really have time to research about what an amniotic band was since my appointment with the perinatologist was early the next week, so I didn’t really worry myself too bad.  I think Ashley telling me stories that she had heard of this particular doctor I was going to go see worried me more.  She and the doctors she works with and talked to about him are not big fans of his.  Thankfully I didn’t see him, I saw his associate. It turned out to not be an amniotic band, but rather a band of scar tissue from my miscarriage, and that it was in my uterus but not in the amniotic sac with our little guy so all was/is good. YAY!! Crisis averted J 

Side note: an amniotic band is from a partial rupture of the amniotic sac that can form fibrous bands that float in the amniotic fluid and can trap and constrict limbs of the baby. It can cause serious malformations and deformities in the baby.  One of my aunt’s sitters’ brother is paralyzed from amniotic band syndrome. She also told me about another child she knew that their head had been constricted so was severely deformed and blind.  I am so glad I didn’t do research or talk to her before I had that appointment.   

So for the fun part… pictures!!!!

Rooting for our Rangers in the World Series!!

Isn’t he just the cutest thing ever!?!?! I know!!! He totally is!!! :D

20 weeks

Ummm… so I guess I’m pretty awful. I said I was going to be better and I was worse. Oh well I’ll just have to be awesome now. (hmm we’ll see)

So, if you didn’t notice on facebook, we had our 20 week sonogram on September 20^th and found out the baby looks healthy and that….It’s a boy!!! Definitely a boy!!

We were also surprised with some 3D shots of our little boy! They had just gotten new systems/computers/sonogram-whatever-ness ;) so we weren’t expecting that until they just switched it over to 3D, it was so exciting!

Here is a belly pic just a couple days before we had our sonogram.

the first joys of pregnancy

Well the first trimester is a distant memory now… YAY!!!

OK, first off I want to applaud those women out there that have morning-sickness throughout their whole pregnancy and choose to have another baby!! Bless your heart!!

Now on to me! Because… well, isn’t that why you read this??? ;D

I did have morning sickness throughout the first 12 weeks. It started off with just HORRIBLE nausea but then turned into to the vomiting part. Even eating bananas brought on the chunks :P  I had to drive strategically (farthest left lane) so that, if needed, I could pull over quickly and throw my door open and not get my vomiting head taken off by a fellow driver. During my 8 week appointment I got two prescriptions for the nausea. One that was dissolvable and didn’t cause drowsiness, but gave me headaches and I only got 12 at a time, and one that wasn’t dissolvable, caused drowsiness (aka knocked me out), didn’t cause headaches, and got 30 at a time. (note: the dissolvable is helpful in that it gets into your system faster in case you vomit, and I have lost vitamins due to that occurrence) They did help a great deal. However, your gag reflex (or at least mine and Ashley’s) is much more sensitive and no amount of medicine helps when that is tripped.  A side note about pregnancy nausea and then vomiting is once you vomit you do not feel any better like you sometimes do when something you ate didn't sit well with you.

Another lovely and attractive symptom that I have had really bad is bloat and gas. Oh my goodness! On a number of occasions, I thought I was miscarrying because the pain was so awful.

I also got to, and still am for the most part, experiencing “stomach issues” (if you know what I mean), runny/stopped up nose, heartburn (sadly no more pizza or chili for me), and a wonderful bladder infection.

YAY FOR BABY COMING!!!!!!  I just have to keep remembering the end result!!!  And people keep telling me all the symptoms are a good sign. I’m taking it since I don’t remember any symptoms the first time.

So we have had an appointment at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 14 weeks, and one this Wednesday. We had a sonogram at 6 weeks and 8 weeks. This spoiled Ben a little, and he now thinks we should be able to get one every appointment. :) 

PS   I will be better about updating. I have had a hard time updating here and writing in my journal because I’m afraid I will jinx it and lose the baby. I know its an irrational fear but… HEY, I’m pregnant! And I think that is another side effect, irrational fears have flooded my mind….oooooo topic for another post I think ;)

SONO PICS!!!!!!

6 weeks – our little peanut! (the circle is the yolk sac)

6 week – close up (head is to the left)

6 weeks – close up with the measurement (on the bottom right)

8 weeks -  our little gummy bear (we thought that that’s what it looked like with the little nubby arms and legs) head is on the right

8 weeks – the dark spot in the head is the brain

8 weeks – measurement 2.07 cm!!!

8 weeks – heartbeat 166 beats per minute - one of the most beautiful sounds in the world :) LOVE IT!

What A Blessing

Well since it has been so long since I’ve updated I’m sure you have all figured it out……..

I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12 weeks to be precise!!! 

We had to go ahead and tell our parents right off the bat of course. Since, it’s kind of a hard thing to hide when everyone knows what’s going on, we decided if we were asked we would tell.  Since our brothers live out of town we got away with waiting a couple weeks with them. Then we waited to tell extended family until 4^th of July time. We had decided that we would wait to put it on the blog and Facebook until 12 weeks. So here we are at 12 week!!

At 2 weeks passed conception, so 4 weeks, I took a pregnancy test in the morning.  Ben and I both watched the test and the control line showed up right away and not the test line so I thought I wasn’t. I just threw it away and got back in bed very upset.  Ben crawled in there and rubbed my back and tried to comfort me before he started getting ready for work.  I fell back asleep. (Ben gets up a little after 5 for work, not I)  Then all of a sudden Ben wakes me before he was about to walk out the door. Apparently, he felt like he needed to dig the test out of the trash. So he did that, saw a very faint line, and then woke me up. I told him they say any line is a positive line.  He wasn’t too too convinced so he wanted to get another one for me to take the next morning.  Getting hopes up is always so easy to do and hurts so bad when they fall through so I think he was just trying to protect us.

He bought three tests after work J

My mom and Ashley both texted me the morning we took that first test.  I had to lie and just told them that it was a bad test, so we were going to try the next morning.

The next morning’s test was very clear that we were pregnant. YAY!!!! My mom and Ashley texted again and I sent them a pic of the test.  Ashley texted back all excited and my mom texted back with this big apology and words of encouragement. Oh my mother… soooo pretty.  (Family joke that we say when we do something dumb. It derives from “it’s a good thing you’re pretty cuz brains you are not”)  I called her and spent about 20 minutes trying to explain the test to my mom. Yes, she has taken them, she has 2 kids, and it took many months to get my brother so many tests in that time.  Oh well, she was of course very excited once she understood J

Then we called Debbie, our wonderful fertility nurse.  She was so excited too and scheduled me to come in for a sonogram two weeks later.

At that 6 wk mark we got to see the baby!!! It was unreal! We hadn’t seen the first one at all so this just made it so real.  (If the morning sickness wasn’t a giveaway) The regular sono tech did it, but Debbie came in to see how many took, because remember, I had four follicles.  She could not believe only one was in there.  No one else really could either.  Ben and my mom were just absolutely sure it was twins and Ashley kept thinking triplets.  I had even gotten ok with the idea of twins after the thought of triplets kept being brought up. Luckily no one thought of quads except me but that probably entered because one of Ben’s really close friends is a quad (NOT by fertility treatments).

We then got to have another sonogram at 8.5 weeks.  That’s when we got to hear the heartbeat!!! 166 bpm!!! Such a wonderful sound.  We both teared up.  We also had a 10wk appointment but that wasn’t anything exciting.

We are just so excited!!! With every bad symptom that I lovingly get is an amazing reminder of what is going on inside me. I didn’t have any of these symptoms with the first pregnancy so it has been an exciting ride.  But I’ll get into that later J

May 16, 2011 - please be a turning point

May has been a crazy emotional month.

Long story short on the April round of Clomid… no go. This hit me extremely hard. Harder than any other month before.

Also, my “bestie” Ashley gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on the 10^th. I am not lying when I say beautiful by the way.

SO, this month we are “no longer insane,” as Ben says.   We are trying IUI this month. IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. After another 5 days a clomid and an injection to ovulate they take Ben’s sperm and do a “washing” of it and then with a catheter through my cervix they inject the washed sperm into my uterus. My nurse doesn’t see anything to cause my infertility so she is thinking that my cervix may be “a hostile environment” so IUI would allow the sperm to bypass my cervix, hopefully allowing me to get pregnant.

Side note: I went in today to check my follicles and get the shot. I had 4 mature follicles ranging in size from 19mm to 26mm.

We are doing this with insurance coverage YAAAAAAAAAY!!! Our infertility coverage starts today May 16^th and we are doing the IUI procedure tomorrow, May 17^th.  We are hoping this is a good sign because our anniversary is today!

It has been 3 years since I married my best friend in the whole entire world. It has been 8 years that we have been together. Yes, if you didn’t know, we got married on our 5 year anniversary. (keeping dates simple for Ben so he won’t ever forget, not that he would ;-D )  We went to Six Flags this past weekend to have a little fun and then had a special dinner at Simply Fondue tonight. It was fantastic! … both outings.  

I wanted to try to describe what kind of person Ben is in this post, but I am having a hard time.  I’m looking at him right now as he has fallen asleep on the couch while watching “How the states got their shape” with our Chihuahua cuddled up next to him. I think about how much we have gone through. I mean, we have always been extremely close and best friends since the time we started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We reminisced tonight about when we each first had a crush on each other and knew we wanted to date the other. So long ago… ahhh simpler times… in the same breath we also discussed about what we are facing tomorrow and our deep desperate hope of becoming parents.  Ben is a guy that I really haven’t seen or heard of a match to.  Most think he’s a quiet guy. HA!!!!! People, this boy talks and talks and talks! I don’t know why everyone else doesn’t get to see this. One of the many wonders of the world. J  He is genuinely the nicest, most sweetest person in the world.  His dad is a very close second.  I am not sugar coating anything. He is a generous, compassionate, supportive in every way, and would do ANYTHING to make me happy. ANYTHING!!!!!! If I have the smallest wish to do/see/go/have/etc. something, he will and would do anything and everything he can do to make it happen.  He puts me and our families ALWAYS before himself.  He always bites his tongue if something comes up with anybody in any situation to keep peace.  He is extremely laid back so nothing he holds in really ever festers inside so he doesn’t really explode or get really mad in general. He also doesn’t hold grudges over any situation or person. Seriously, he is amazing! I just don’t know the best way to get this across. AHHHHHH He’s just super husband, and there is a reason that he is known as “Perfect Ben” in my family.  Of course, we know no one is perfect but seriously, this boy comes frighteningly close.

I L-O-V-E love you babe!!!!! I can’t wait to see you as a daddy!!!! Thank you for everything you do for me!!!

PS I know “most sweetest” isn’t grammatically correct but I was trying to emphasize a point J

Another month

Update…. YAY!!!!!! I know J

Well in March we did our 2^nd round of Clomid. I took it according to period math as before and then went in to get a sonogram and shot on day 15. I had 3 mature follicles. YES, THREE!!! Debbie was nervous about giving me the shot to make me release the eggs. Because she didn’t want me to get pregnant with triplets, she wanted to one of the doctors. Ben missed this appointment, which normally doesn’t happen but with so many appointments he just can’t miss so much work anymore. So as I sat there, I frantically texted Ben what was going on.  I was so scared that I wasn’t going to get the shot. I wanted to guarantee my ovulation and giving us the highest chance to fertilize at least one egg.  Well Debbie came back in saying she would go ahead a give me the shot. YAY!!!!!!!

I came in about 10 days later for the blood test to check my progesterone level.  It was an 81. Pretty good right?

Nope. Started my period L I went in for another sonogram to make sure no large cists were starting. (Ben came with) Debbie walked in to the room and said “well I am totally shocked to be seeing you. I was so sure it was going to work”. Not a good sign that she doesn’t understand why this is happening.  Well no large cists.  We then discussed what was going to go on this month. I hadn’t had this procedure where they shoot dye into my fallopian tubes and take x-rays to see if they are open because I had gotten pregnant before.  Well they decided to go ahead and have me have it done just to make sure. Plus, Debbie said if there was any little stuff on the tubes the dye could blow it out and clean it up.

After the test, it was concluded that my tubes were open. And we have done another round of Clomid.

Ben reminds me that the definition of being insane is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Well our hands are tied at the moment. Our insurance is amazing, but the infertility coverage won’t start until May 16 (hmmm also our 3 year anniversary) Ben had to argue to get it there from June but whatever, I’m very tired of fighting battles so this is one I’ll let go. I’m also not in the mood to vent about it so I will do that later J Because of this, we can’t move any further (trying IUI or IVF).

SOOOOOOOO, we are doing Clomid again this month. I had 3 mature follicles and 1 a little smaller than mature. After last month, Debbie just went ahead and gave me the shot.

Now, it’s the waiting game again……

wha whaaaaaaa

Okay. I know it has been way too long. I’m very very sorry.

Disney World was amazing. Kinda cold, but amazing. I twisted my knee in the trolley car track at the Magic Kingdom, and the opposite ankle flared up and both killed me most of the time. But, HELLO!!! ITS DISNEY!!!!! I didn’t let it stop me!  I limped and gimped my way through a blast of a time.

We did get disappointing news while there though. 

We started our first round of Clomid at the end of December.  Clomid is a drug, in a pill form, that you take once a day for five days starting on your fifth day of your cycle, and aids in ovulation. We then went in to the office on January 6^th to have a sonogram to check my ovaries and see if there were any follicles brewing in there. (follicles have an egg in them) Well I had two good size follicles in each ovary and a smaller second in my right ovary.  I had been using an ovulation prediction kit and hadn’t had a LH surge yet, and I had never had one in past months either.  Debbie, my fertility nurse, told me if I didn’t get a surge by the 8^th to come in on the 8^th and she would give me a shot to make me ovulate.  Well, I had to come in on the 8^th for my shot and she had to perform another sonogram. During this sonogram we saw that one, maybe two, of my eggs may have gotten too mature and the smaller one had gotten to a good mature size.  She gave me a shot. Now when you ovulate on your own you usually only release one egg, even if you have more up in there.  However, when you get this shot it makes you release all of them in the next 24 hours. That part worked I got a surge the next two days. Two week wait period comes next. But about a week into that I had to go in for a blood test for progesterone to see if I ovulated well. Last test I had for this I had a 7 and she wanted at least 15. This time I had a level of 75!!! SCORE…..right????

Well….. Our first official full day in Disney World I started my period… wha whaaaaaaaa

So I called Debbie from Epcot about starting another round while we were there. I had to leave a message. She called my back and told me that she needed to do another sonogram before starting another round of clomid to check for any large cists in my ovaries because clomid could agitate them. Once again… wha whaaaaaaa….

Ok so if I wasn’t already totally upset, disappointed, and all around heartbroken over not being pregnant, now I have to wait another month to try this clomid thing.

Every month counts when you’re trying to get pregnant. It makes a year go by really fast.  I only really have one shot a month to get pregnant and if I don’t than I have to wait till the next month. That is only 12 chances a year!!!!  It sucks!!! It makes time fly and you sit there in deep depression realizing that a year and a half has passed and still no baby… Especially when you lose one and so you shouldn’t be going through this at all and should be a mom right now… wha whaaaaa….

la sigh

my happy place

That last post was very emotional, so I took some time before writing this one.  Also, I think I’ll give us all a break and write about something happier…. And what is happier than my “Happy Place” which just so happens to be THE “happiest place on Earth”

WALT DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like many people out there Disney World is at the top of their list for vacation spots.  I know that people go multiple times a year… granted I want to too :D  But this is a place that just means so much to me.

I first went to Disney when I was six, the summer of 1993.  My mom and dad rented this huge sedan and them, me, and my three year old brother, Travis, piled in the car and started our two day drive.  Needless to say, we had a blast!!! And I was totally hooked!!! After that trip we returned in the summer of 1996, December of 1997 (with my aunt and uncle too), during spring break of 2002.

I L-O-V-E love this magical place.  Where else can you totally escape reality, and just enjoy the fantastic world of Walt Disney. You leave all your problems at the airport, or at the driveway, and be a kid. Look at things as a kid would and enjoy pure bliss as a kid does. 

Well with all that I only thought it natural to go for Ben and my Honeymoon in 2008. Ben, who had gone many times also, had no complaints. I wanted to show him to so-much-more-grand time to go in December. So we waited to go on our honeymoon. I loved going with Ben. I loved going with no one telling my “no, we can’t buy that” :D  We had a blast!! And right when we got home I wanted to go back.  I would even cry in bed because I wanted to go back so much. I think I was a little depressed at the time with finishing school, quitting my job in May, and not even getting interviews for big girl jobs, hating our apartment and north Arlington. Just so much building on each other and I just wanted to escape to the place that I was the happiest.  Then after the miscarriage I REALLY wanted to go. We just couldn’t swing it at that moment.

I read once that Disney got the idea to build a ‘Disney World’ when he was at the Disneyland gates like always when this family was leaving the park early. Back then NO ONE left early, EVERYONE stayed till closing. (Oh I do that with Disney World :D ) Well Walt was very concerned that something ruined their visit so he asked why they were leaving. They told him they saw the traffic starting to pick up while riding the skyway, and wanted to get started on their trip home. That is when he decided to build a park with plenty of land around it so people could totally escape from the real world and the pressures that come from it.  I totally get his vision and I totally appreciate it.  I LOVE THAT GENIUS!!!! Seriously, I can’t wait to meet him in heaven!!!

My best friend (next to Ben of course but to simplify I won’t say that all the time, just know its Ashley) told me she thought it was kinda ‘over the top’!!!!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I love my Ashley dearly (really I love you sooooooooo much) But I just couldn’t believe it HA!!! Sweetie, that is the point.  It is suppose to be over the top, that is what makes it pure joy and a delight. I often whine to Ben I want to move to Florida. We are beach people (though we do enjoy hiking a skiing at times) We are heat people. Give us 100 degrees over 30 degrees any day. We are sunshine with refreshing summer showers.  And yes, Disney would be a super bonus. However, I am concerned that it would lose something if I didn’t get to plan, and anticipate, and make the journey, and stay for a week or more at a time…. Oh well I still want it all the time.

I love the person I am when I am there. I’m super happy and relaxed. I’m worry free, and Ben LOVES that. I feel that I am able to feel the real me when I am there. See it is magical!

So folks see you when reality sets back in and I return, but right now I’m getting my excited butt on that plane in 8 ½ hours!!!!!! DISNEY WORLD HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the big M

so here it goes.....

Ben and I started dating in May 2003. (Ben 18 and graduating HS, I 16 and a junior) We got married in May 2008 (same date the 16th) When we were planning our wedding I thought that I didn’t want to start a family until I was 25.  I thought that was young enough but not starting too old. Note:  Too old in my own rationality (blog to come about that). I wanted time just Ben and I and since we got married young we could do both, have time together as a couple and start a family relatively young.  WELL…. Baby fever grabbed a hold of my biological clock and I could not wait any longer (and Ben being older didn’t mind in the slightest). So in the summer of 2009 we decided to buy a house so we could start trying for a baby.  Had to have the home before the baby – my rationality again. 

So I was 22 (23 that August) when we started trying.  22! That is young and should be easy to get pregnant right? Right? A big fat N-O! Well we didn’t really think that too too much at the time. Ok just a little disappointment.  I knew that it can take even perfectly normal, healthy, young couple up to a year of trying to get pregnant.  Well it took us six months.  In January of 2010 we became pregnant. I took a test in early February and it was positive. I took like 2 more just to convince myself. And to think I just had a little break down the night before about why we weren’t getting pregnant. I made a banner that said “we’re pregnant” for Ben when he came home from work. We were so excited. We got books. I got a journal and started writing in it almost every day.  We even took belly before pictures. 

We decided to not tell anyone yet until our doctor appointment at 9 weeks. (Ben wanted to wait till the 2^nd trimester but I was not going to be able to hold it in that long)  We wanted to make sure.  I was very scared of having a miscarriage and have to spread bad news like that.  The women in my family are very accustomed to miscarriages and so I understood how emotionally painful it can be, and then to have to tell everyone.  I was very fearful of that.

Well I was showing my mom pictures on my camera of our house in the record snowfall we had and the “we’re pregnant” and before belly pictures were still on there.  Cat was out of the bag! We had to tell at least the parents. 

Towards the end of February my dear Grandad (Dad’s dad) went to the hospital. My mom and I went up there every day that week to spend time with him.  It didn’t look too good after the first couple days so  my mom wanted me to share the news to bring some good news and joy.  So I talked to Ben and told my Mimi and Grandad and the rest of our families.  My Grandad died the 23^rd.  I knew I had to control myself because my blood pressure has a tendency to get high, and the stress of Grandad’s death could hurt the pregnancy.  I thought I did really well of controlling myself.  Looking back maybe that was the problem or it was just too much…

On March 8^th we lost the baby.  It was a Monday night and my mom and Jerry (step-dad) we’re leaving to go on vacation (driving). I felt a little cramping and didn’t really feel right. I talked to her and she said they didn’t have to leave but I insisted they go. Well a couple hours later I started bleeding and cramping horribly and so Ben needed  to run to the store because I didn’t have any feminine products. So sweet to go by himself to purchase the thing no guy ever wants to buy.  Two minutes after he left I miscarried.  I called him and then my mom. And of course bawled my eyes out.  My mom and Jerry were in Abilene and turned right abound. Let me tell you it hurts sooooooo bad. The worst cramping I have ever felt, and I have felt some doozies.  Ben called the on call nurse when it happened and then the on call doctor when I was in so much pain. My mom had come over by that time, armed with hugs and drugs - painkillers, prescription strength (Jerry’s a doctor) Ahhhhh Mom’s really are the best. And sleeping pills don’t hurt either.

Well here we are a year after finding out we were pregnant and still no baby.  Infertility is one of the most heart wrenching things for a woman, and a couple, to go through in the whole world. It’s a roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Emotional roller coasters are bad anyway, but when you add hope as one of the peaks, it just makes it worse.  Hope is something that is so special and can be fragile but somehow persistent as well.  It is very hard to shake it off entirely. You always have it in the back of your heart whispering in your mind, “hey. Hey you. Remember me? “Just maaaaybeeeee”.

Please God give me peace in knowing to trust in you and your will….. because I just don’t get it.  Amen.

need peace?

Everybody needs peace, or there wouldn’t be good in the world. (just my opinion) Life can sometimes throw you all these curve balls that can eat away at you.  You can become your own worst enemy.  It eats at you until you start to take it out on people around you, especially the people you love and whom love you.  I get so into my anguish, or my inner frustration, that I almost feel like I am sinking into a black hole and can’t breathe.  I feel trapped and unable to be rescued.  That fight or flight starts to creep up.

I either become depressed or I pick fights…. or just explode at the drop of a hat. My poor poor Ben.  He is the one that usually takes the brunt of my disharmony.  He is amazing most of the time though and can usually calm me down.  But it wears on him too and he becomes frustrated at my frustrations.  He holds me close to him and keeps asking “what is your deal?” “just talk to me”.  I’d like to add that he has only yelled at me I think twice since we have been together, and I use the word “yell” very loosely.  I NEVER have really heard him yell or scream.  His “yell” is more like “a small increase in volume” when compared to regular-talking-Ben.  He is so mellow and relaxed all the time that it is honestly uncanny. I think that is why God brought us together. I am emotional and frazzled, and always worried about something, and he is totally not.  He doesn’t fuel the fire in the least.

I know he seems so perfect J

putting myself out there

I decided to start this blog in hopes of sharing with others my thoughts and feelings through this journey that I am on.  I got married on May 16, 2008.  This was the beginning of a new and wild journey.  My husband is my best friend, and one of the greatest people I know… really he is! Like every one he has a few faults, but really not that many at all… plus he has to deal with me and all my faults.  I, and we, have endured struggles and celebrations in the 2 ½ years we have been married.  With those struggles I retreat to my mind and heart and do not relinquish easily.  I want peace and contentment so bad.  I think … worry … obsess … about a lot of things and that can really take a toll when you are trying to make room for God to heal your heart. 

So please join me while I attempt to gain some peace that I desperately want for my heart.