my happy place

That last post was very emotional, so I took some time before writing this one.  Also, I think I’ll give us all a break and write about something happier…. And what is happier than my “Happy Place” which just so happens to be THE “happiest place on Earth”

WALT DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like many people out there Disney World is at the top of their list for vacation spots.  I know that people go multiple times a year… granted I want to too :D  But this is a place that just means so much to me.

I first went to Disney when I was six, the summer of 1993.  My mom and dad rented this huge sedan and them, me, and my three year old brother, Travis, piled in the car and started our two day drive.  Needless to say, we had a blast!!! And I was totally hooked!!! After that trip we returned in the summer of 1996, December of 1997 (with my aunt and uncle too), during spring break of 2002.

I L-O-V-E love this magical place.  Where else can you totally escape reality, and just enjoy the fantastic world of Walt Disney. You leave all your problems at the airport, or at the driveway, and be a kid. Look at things as a kid would and enjoy pure bliss as a kid does. 

Well with all that I only thought it natural to go for Ben and my Honeymoon in 2008. Ben, who had gone many times also, had no complaints. I wanted to show him to so-much-more-grand time to go in December. So we waited to go on our honeymoon. I loved going with Ben. I loved going with no one telling my “no, we can’t buy that” :D  We had a blast!! And right when we got home I wanted to go back.  I would even cry in bed because I wanted to go back so much. I think I was a little depressed at the time with finishing school, quitting my job in May, and not even getting interviews for big girl jobs, hating our apartment and north Arlington. Just so much building on each other and I just wanted to escape to the place that I was the happiest.  Then after the miscarriage I REALLY wanted to go. We just couldn’t swing it at that moment.

I read once that Disney got the idea to build a ‘Disney World’ when he was at the Disneyland gates like always when this family was leaving the park early. Back then NO ONE left early, EVERYONE stayed till closing. (Oh I do that with Disney World :D ) Well Walt was very concerned that something ruined their visit so he asked why they were leaving. They told him they saw the traffic starting to pick up while riding the skyway, and wanted to get started on their trip home. That is when he decided to build a park with plenty of land around it so people could totally escape from the real world and the pressures that come from it.  I totally get his vision and I totally appreciate it.  I LOVE THAT GENIUS!!!! Seriously, I can’t wait to meet him in heaven!!!

My best friend (next to Ben of course but to simplify I won’t say that all the time, just know its Ashley) told me she thought it was kinda ‘over the top’!!!!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I love my Ashley dearly (really I love you sooooooooo much) But I just couldn’t believe it HA!!! Sweetie, that is the point.  It is suppose to be over the top, that is what makes it pure joy and a delight. I often whine to Ben I want to move to Florida. We are beach people (though we do enjoy hiking a skiing at times) We are heat people. Give us 100 degrees over 30 degrees any day. We are sunshine with refreshing summer showers.  And yes, Disney would be a super bonus. However, I am concerned that it would lose something if I didn’t get to plan, and anticipate, and make the journey, and stay for a week or more at a time…. Oh well I still want it all the time.

I love the person I am when I am there. I’m super happy and relaxed. I’m worry free, and Ben LOVES that. I feel that I am able to feel the real me when I am there. See it is magical!

So folks see you when reality sets back in and I return, but right now I’m getting my excited butt on that plane in 8 ½ hours!!!!!! DISNEY WORLD HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the big M

so here it goes.....

Ben and I started dating in May 2003. (Ben 18 and graduating HS, I 16 and a junior) We got married in May 2008 (same date the 16th) When we were planning our wedding I thought that I didn’t want to start a family until I was 25.  I thought that was young enough but not starting too old. Note:  Too old in my own rationality (blog to come about that). I wanted time just Ben and I and since we got married young we could do both, have time together as a couple and start a family relatively young.  WELL…. Baby fever grabbed a hold of my biological clock and I could not wait any longer (and Ben being older didn’t mind in the slightest). So in the summer of 2009 we decided to buy a house so we could start trying for a baby.  Had to have the home before the baby – my rationality again. 

So I was 22 (23 that August) when we started trying.  22! That is young and should be easy to get pregnant right? Right? A big fat N-O! Well we didn’t really think that too too much at the time. Ok just a little disappointment.  I knew that it can take even perfectly normal, healthy, young couple up to a year of trying to get pregnant.  Well it took us six months.  In January of 2010 we became pregnant. I took a test in early February and it was positive. I took like 2 more just to convince myself. And to think I just had a little break down the night before about why we weren’t getting pregnant. I made a banner that said “we’re pregnant” for Ben when he came home from work. We were so excited. We got books. I got a journal and started writing in it almost every day.  We even took belly before pictures. 

We decided to not tell anyone yet until our doctor appointment at 9 weeks. (Ben wanted to wait till the 2^nd trimester but I was not going to be able to hold it in that long)  We wanted to make sure.  I was very scared of having a miscarriage and have to spread bad news like that.  The women in my family are very accustomed to miscarriages and so I understood how emotionally painful it can be, and then to have to tell everyone.  I was very fearful of that.

Well I was showing my mom pictures on my camera of our house in the record snowfall we had and the “we’re pregnant” and before belly pictures were still on there.  Cat was out of the bag! We had to tell at least the parents. 

Towards the end of February my dear Grandad (Dad’s dad) went to the hospital. My mom and I went up there every day that week to spend time with him.  It didn’t look too good after the first couple days so  my mom wanted me to share the news to bring some good news and joy.  So I talked to Ben and told my Mimi and Grandad and the rest of our families.  My Grandad died the 23^rd.  I knew I had to control myself because my blood pressure has a tendency to get high, and the stress of Grandad’s death could hurt the pregnancy.  I thought I did really well of controlling myself.  Looking back maybe that was the problem or it was just too much…

On March 8^th we lost the baby.  It was a Monday night and my mom and Jerry (step-dad) we’re leaving to go on vacation (driving). I felt a little cramping and didn’t really feel right. I talked to her and she said they didn’t have to leave but I insisted they go. Well a couple hours later I started bleeding and cramping horribly and so Ben needed  to run to the store because I didn’t have any feminine products. So sweet to go by himself to purchase the thing no guy ever wants to buy.  Two minutes after he left I miscarried.  I called him and then my mom. And of course bawled my eyes out.  My mom and Jerry were in Abilene and turned right abound. Let me tell you it hurts sooooooo bad. The worst cramping I have ever felt, and I have felt some doozies.  Ben called the on call nurse when it happened and then the on call doctor when I was in so much pain. My mom had come over by that time, armed with hugs and drugs - painkillers, prescription strength (Jerry’s a doctor) Ahhhhh Mom’s really are the best. And sleeping pills don’t hurt either.

Well here we are a year after finding out we were pregnant and still no baby.  Infertility is one of the most heart wrenching things for a woman, and a couple, to go through in the whole world. It’s a roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Emotional roller coasters are bad anyway, but when you add hope as one of the peaks, it just makes it worse.  Hope is something that is so special and can be fragile but somehow persistent as well.  It is very hard to shake it off entirely. You always have it in the back of your heart whispering in your mind, “hey. Hey you. Remember me? “Just maaaaybeeeee”.

Please God give me peace in knowing to trust in you and your will….. because I just don’t get it.  Amen.

need peace?

Everybody needs peace, or there wouldn’t be good in the world. (just my opinion) Life can sometimes throw you all these curve balls that can eat away at you.  You can become your own worst enemy.  It eats at you until you start to take it out on people around you, especially the people you love and whom love you.  I get so into my anguish, or my inner frustration, that I almost feel like I am sinking into a black hole and can’t breathe.  I feel trapped and unable to be rescued.  That fight or flight starts to creep up.

I either become depressed or I pick fights…. or just explode at the drop of a hat. My poor poor Ben.  He is the one that usually takes the brunt of my disharmony.  He is amazing most of the time though and can usually calm me down.  But it wears on him too and he becomes frustrated at my frustrations.  He holds me close to him and keeps asking “what is your deal?” “just talk to me”.  I’d like to add that he has only yelled at me I think twice since we have been together, and I use the word “yell” very loosely.  I NEVER have really heard him yell or scream.  His “yell” is more like “a small increase in volume” when compared to regular-talking-Ben.  He is so mellow and relaxed all the time that it is honestly uncanny. I think that is why God brought us together. I am emotional and frazzled, and always worried about something, and he is totally not.  He doesn’t fuel the fire in the least.

I know he seems so perfect J

putting myself out there

I decided to start this blog in hopes of sharing with others my thoughts and feelings through this journey that I am on.  I got married on May 16, 2008.  This was the beginning of a new and wild journey.  My husband is my best friend, and one of the greatest people I know… really he is! Like every one he has a few faults, but really not that many at all… plus he has to deal with me and all my faults.  I, and we, have endured struggles and celebrations in the 2 ½ years we have been married.  With those struggles I retreat to my mind and heart and do not relinquish easily.  I want peace and contentment so bad.  I think … worry … obsess … about a lot of things and that can really take a toll when you are trying to make room for God to heal your heart. 

So please join me while I attempt to gain some peace that I desperately want for my heart.