the big M

so here it goes.....

Ben and I started dating in May 2003. (Ben 18 and graduating HS, I 16 and a junior) We got married in May 2008 (same date the 16th) When we were planning our wedding I thought that I didn’t want to start a family until I was 25.  I thought that was young enough but not starting too old. Note:  Too old in my own rationality (blog to come about that). I wanted time just Ben and I and since we got married young we could do both, have time together as a couple and start a family relatively young.  WELL…. Baby fever grabbed a hold of my biological clock and I could not wait any longer (and Ben being older didn’t mind in the slightest). So in the summer of 2009 we decided to buy a house so we could start trying for a baby.  Had to have the home before the baby – my rationality again. 

So I was 22 (23 that August) when we started trying.  22! That is young and should be easy to get pregnant right? Right? A big fat N-O! Well we didn’t really think that too too much at the time. Ok just a little disappointment.  I knew that it can take even perfectly normal, healthy, young couple up to a year of trying to get pregnant.  Well it took us six months.  In January of 2010 we became pregnant. I took a test in early February and it was positive. I took like 2 more just to convince myself. And to think I just had a little break down the night before about why we weren’t getting pregnant. I made a banner that said “we’re pregnant” for Ben when he came home from work. We were so excited. We got books. I got a journal and started writing in it almost every day.  We even took belly before pictures. 

We decided to not tell anyone yet until our doctor appointment at 9 weeks. (Ben wanted to wait till the 2^nd trimester but I was not going to be able to hold it in that long)  We wanted to make sure.  I was very scared of having a miscarriage and have to spread bad news like that.  The women in my family are very accustomed to miscarriages and so I understood how emotionally painful it can be, and then to have to tell everyone.  I was very fearful of that.

Well I was showing my mom pictures on my camera of our house in the record snowfall we had and the “we’re pregnant” and before belly pictures were still on there.  Cat was out of the bag! We had to tell at least the parents. 

Towards the end of February my dear Grandad (Dad’s dad) went to the hospital. My mom and I went up there every day that week to spend time with him.  It didn’t look too good after the first couple days so  my mom wanted me to share the news to bring some good news and joy.  So I talked to Ben and told my Mimi and Grandad and the rest of our families.  My Grandad died the 23^rd.  I knew I had to control myself because my blood pressure has a tendency to get high, and the stress of Grandad’s death could hurt the pregnancy.  I thought I did really well of controlling myself.  Looking back maybe that was the problem or it was just too much…

On March 8^th we lost the baby.  It was a Monday night and my mom and Jerry (step-dad) we’re leaving to go on vacation (driving). I felt a little cramping and didn’t really feel right. I talked to her and she said they didn’t have to leave but I insisted they go. Well a couple hours later I started bleeding and cramping horribly and so Ben needed  to run to the store because I didn’t have any feminine products. So sweet to go by himself to purchase the thing no guy ever wants to buy.  Two minutes after he left I miscarried.  I called him and then my mom. And of course bawled my eyes out.  My mom and Jerry were in Abilene and turned right abound. Let me tell you it hurts sooooooo bad. The worst cramping I have ever felt, and I have felt some doozies.  Ben called the on call nurse when it happened and then the on call doctor when I was in so much pain. My mom had come over by that time, armed with hugs and drugs - painkillers, prescription strength (Jerry’s a doctor) Ahhhhh Mom’s really are the best. And sleeping pills don’t hurt either.

Well here we are a year after finding out we were pregnant and still no baby.  Infertility is one of the most heart wrenching things for a woman, and a couple, to go through in the whole world. It’s a roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Emotional roller coasters are bad anyway, but when you add hope as one of the peaks, it just makes it worse.  Hope is something that is so special and can be fragile but somehow persistent as well.  It is very hard to shake it off entirely. You always have it in the back of your heart whispering in your mind, “hey. Hey you. Remember me? “Just maaaaybeeeee”.

Please God give me peace in knowing to trust in you and your will….. because I just don’t get it.  Amen.